Only a Whisper

It was another sleepless night that I did not want to stay awake for. As every muscle in me trembles and shakes. Too anxious to sleep cause I’m caught in this wake. This depression is causing my mind to break. Not deserving of even a glance your way. I’m being pulled in different directions. They are tearing me apart. Its not only my perception You’re Breaking my heart. From my eyes it continues to flow. I think I lost my soul. It didn’t come cheap. As I look down from a place so deep. But the climb is much too steep. I searched but found no relief. I screamed out but they only heard a whisper. I am ready for that endless sleep. Never wake me again. U lied when you called me ur friend. I’m ready for this life to end. I’m just running in place. There are no dreams left to chase. Will they even know I’m gone? Why do I even care!

I would love to be able to have an idea, then sit down and begin writing it out. What does that idea mean to me? What Does it affect in me? Or maybe I realize it doesnt mean anything at all to me. Most of what I have written started off as an idea or a phrase I heard or read somewhere. It would play over and over until, what feels like a creation of that repetitive thought, finally comes to Truition. It comes quickly and almost sideways into my head. Sometimes I have very little knowledge of what I wrote. When I read it later, it sometimes feels as if I am seeing what I wrote for the first time. Sometimes I recognize what I wrote, but when I read that part, I see a deeper meaning to it then I had intended for it to mean. I most likely only caused more confusion.

More

Angel in the ER This is my recollection of day one in a five day fight by doctors and nurses to keep me alive. My sister is why that fight was ever possible. She showed me how to find the strength I needed to live. I am a suicide survivor. Day one…..

My Angel in the ER always there on my left. Refusing to allow me to take my last breath. I was scared cause of covid they would insist that she leave. And for the next 17 hours She was all I would need. To lift me when I wanted nothing more than to die. My Angels familiar presence made me feel more alive.

When I began to crash they had to cut off my scrubs. Then my Angel explained that pain inflicted was a called a sternum rub. My Angel wasn’t present on Dr’s first try. To implant in my jugular what was necessary to survive. They called an anesthesiologist to get the second try done in a hustle. This time I kept still, she held my hand, I didn’t move a muscle.

She always spoke calmly as she would explain what they would do. Then the next thing I remember was waking in the ICU!! I was feeling scared to look if my Angel had stayed with me. And as she’d promised there she stood , strong, where she said she’d be.

From that moment on my Angel refused to conceive There was only my survival that we would believe

I can’t recall a time since struck with scarlet fever when I was 5. That I was cared for more gently as my Angel fought for my life. Only once I didn’t see my Angel on my left side Until she walked into my room, tears filling her beautiful eyes. I asked her what happened? Why did she suddenly look so sad? Then she told me that a 30% survival was the best chance I had.

Next my Angel gave me a gift that’s impossible to repay. As I watched her comfort my sons after seeing my condition that day. I’m thankful for Matthew, Brandon, Tara, my parents and Angel, Christie and Natalie, whose love filled me enough to awaken. How wrong I had been all the years I thot nobody cared , I was sorely mistaken.

Well they once again said the odds that I live were slight Just as the Priest had arrived to perform the sacrament of Last Rites. It was then in my darkness I saw a lady’s outline shining so grand. Brandon told me later that my Angel told me to reach for her hand. And in that same moment I heard my sons loving pleas. So I pulled back my hand and turned around to leave. When I opened my eyes everyone was frozen in a stare Then they all looked to my Angel so grateful for her being there. My Angel knew I still had an uphill battle left to face. I’m so thankful to my Angel cause I remain in Gods loving grace. It was a few more days before my survival chance did rise I’m so grateful I had my family and Angel I was more certain I recognized.

My Angel in the ER had inspired me with her strength and love. But still I knew my Angel didn’t just arrive from heaven above. I suddenly knew in my heart what I had so far failed to see. Was this the same Angel who protected me at age 3?

It was with love that she protected me tho she was only 6 at that time. My Angel never strayed from her job as if it were assigned. And a job she took seriously not once ever tried to dismiss. The Angel in the ER was Angela, my protector was my Big Sis!!!!

We all have times in our lives that we cant imagine how we will ever get up again. How we could ever smile a real smile. Some of us are still wondering what are we really like as a person. Is this the real me? My heart breaks for everyone when their time comes to suffer for whatever reason they suffering

What about those of us who started suffering before we even started school. Those of us who the suffering seemed to follow us our entire lives.

Those of us who are inflicted with physical pain also endure so much suffering. Not just physical pain, but how it hurts them for being unable to take care of themselves.

Some believe suffering can be a good thing. Maybe short term suffering. But when it changes who we are, or could be. That’s never a healthy thing.

If anyone what’s to share their pain or some type of loss or trauma that they feel they still suffer from, please share. Also, did it change who u were? It may help to find words for it.

Daylight

Does it mean a brighter day or a day with a lighter load ? Is it when the nightmares fade? As the day begins to unfold. Is it a day worth lighting up. Or a day best kept in the dark. Or a day that continuously stays dark ? Like a lost soul in need of a spark

Maybe it’s the day to end all days even before the day could start tho sometimes I prefer them foggy cause it’s not so plain to see. My unbrushed hair and tear filled eyes that show my ignored pleas.

That much like prayers that time will stop that come from the depths of me

This day is not light, it’s far too heavy. To neither carry or momentarily hold. So I searched in hope to find someone to help me carry my load

I came across some givers on Happy where there was nothing I couldn’t say

I’m so grateful to have found a site to help me lighten all my days!!

Lighthouse

Lighthouse

please light up the way
I don’t know how I’ll get thru
the day

I feel so alone
In my anger and fear
So please light up my way so Ill
know that I’m near
to finding myself after getting
lost last year.
No more family or friends or the
things I hold dear

I am now begging for help.
I can’t do this all alone.
Please light another way
To give me a sense I belong

I’m so tired of hurting! losing both my equity and our home

where do I go Lighthouse?:….
Can you be my home?

.

Life as a borderline

It can be hard to even comprehend what flesh and blood can do to the ones they love so much.

They can love them to their death or love them till all they want is death. It’s sick . It paralyzes us. Taking away our self love and confidence. Our dignity and instinct for self preservation . Our ability to laugh a real laugh or smile a real smile. They not only take away who we are and all we could have been. They give us a thirst for a love we feel unworthy to accept.
We thirst for the pain to end and more than anything else, we pray that it will end.

They took away anything good we felt if it meant making them feel better. It was all at our expense.
Then they have the nerve to think that we owe them !! Sometimes all of this is before we could walk or talk. Before we could become an individual who may have been gifted and talented. They start us off afraid snd nervous and full of self doubt. We are now at an empty place we must try to fit in. We create what we know is fake.
We try to adapt. We look alive to others but we have long been dead. My death was at age 3. I then made myself be whoever I needed to be. Even a wife and mother. A sister or daughter. A friend.
It’s all smoke and mirrors but this is no game. They entered my dreams and made them terrifying nightmares.
It cuts deep but I want it to cut much deeper. I crave to feel something even if all I feel is pain. How can I heal when nothing is real? I’m just an empty shell.
That is why I need to go. They found out the truth. They know now that I am nothing. So why do I wait? When I know this is my fate!! Please set me free!! They even stole my virginity. There is nothing left for me to give but that doesn’t stop them!! They are still taking and taking. “But that’s my last breath and the beat my heart struggles to beat !”

Just take that too I plead. I would will it to stop if I had the ability. Please God please set me free!! There is no place on this earth that I want to be!! And now nobody wants what’s left of me!! Not till I’m hanging from tree and the fake tears are not even for me!!! They tried to drain me more but I no longer would bleed. Take and take till I don’t even breathe.
This world will never miss me because there never was a me. I I was only what I allowed you to see. I was only who u needed me to be.
Now finally the pain is gone!!! Finally!! Oh, finally I’m free!!!